12: the joy of feeling feelings
3 years ago i kissed my ex girlfriend for the last time.
we were about to be thousands of miles apart for nearly a year, and after all the long distance horror stories from friends and family... i decided not to try.
wiping the tears off her eyes, i was shocked to find that there were no tears of my own.
clearly i liked this girl and my brain KNEW there was sadness.
but below the neck i felt nothing.
like there was a thick glass pane between me and my emotions.
there was a lot of shame about this.
what's wrong with me, i thought. this relationship was the best thing that had happened to me in years and i couldn't feel even an ounce of grief that it would be over in an instant.
i beat myself up about this for weeks. felt like a terrible person, a total sociopath, overwhelmed with shame and thoughts about how worthless i must be if i can't even just be sad like a normal person.
well, eventually it hit me.
like a truck.
a few months later in the car with my best friend, i fully broke down. from the stress of an intense sales job, living in a new city... and, finally, feeling the pain of the loss that was there all along.
guess i've always been a late bloomer.